Script Draft 3
Suck
Director:
I welcome you all to these wonderful auditions for the legendary WIZARD OF OZ! Please stand so I can judge you. [walks through audience and makes hurtful comments about people. Walks to stage.] You’re all cut. Except you six. You are perfect. Exactly what I was looking for. Get up here… Now why are you here again? Oh, auditions! Yes! So, my assistant here will begin by having you present your prepared pieces. I shall return shortly after locating my salamander named FLUFFY! [Walks off stage absentmindedly.]
Assistant Director:[Stares in disgust at director] So, anyways. Please come up one at a time and deliver your monologue.
Cody: [ELEPHANT LOVE MELEDY PLAYING BOTH PARTS EXCERPT. Finishes and slouches over with faituge and gayness]
Emmaleigh: straighten up. NEXT!
Connor: [Sings abc’s to wrong tune with letters missing]
Emmaleigh:
Al: [Interp rain dance]
Emmaleigh: that was terrible. Next
Amanda: I’m here to present my range of emotions. This is when im sad. This is when im mad. This is when im happy. This is when im disgusted. This is when im heartbroken. This is when im surprised.
Emmaleigh: this is when im done. Next!
Alex: [sings “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” line]
Emm: No no no, Dorothy has to be a girl.
Alex: No, I really want this part. I really REALLY want this part. I NEED this part. I NEED TO BE DOROTHY. [starts false-setto]
Emmaleigh: I thought the first kid was gay.
Kathy: [PREPS HELLA MUCH] Romeo oh romeo!
Director: [enter director] STOP EVERYTHING! I have found fluffy and now we can begin. Say hello to Fluffy. [all watch silently. Director looks at all.] SAY HELLO TO FLUFFY!!!!!! [all greet apprehensively] Now, shall we start running scenes? To your places! [People look at one another awkwardly. Director takes seat and “readies” self.]
Emm: [Assistant Director directs individuals to their positions. Gives out parts.]
Director: Let us begin! And, action!
[Audition-people-stuff walk to center. Amanda is in the corner, raised above others.]
Amanda: Do you have the stuff?
DP: Yeah, we got the stuff. But it was super hard… to get… and stuff.
[Al runs in circles.]
Kathy: I AM IRON MAN.
Director: TIN MAN!
Kathy: That’s gay!
Cody: Heeey!
Director: FOCUS!
Connor: Moooo. Oh wait – rawr.
Emm: You are a lion! You roar! Ugh! Continue!
[Al continues to run around disruptively.]
DP: So uh, we got this thing for you. Can we like, you know, get our crap and go? This place is getting way to mainstream for me.
Amanda: Am I a god? Do I grant you your every whim? I do not want your stick. Get out! [Points offstage.]
Cody: That’s like, totally not right. That’s wrong. Cause you know, you said you’d give us our shizz if we got you your shizz so can we have the shizz? That’s just like wrong. If I asked you to get my shizz I’d give you your shizz. Like shizz. Oh, did I say shizz? Shit, my bad. Sorry.
[Connor finds fuzzy, starts wandering stage, eventually walks offstage and into wall.]
Kathy: YEAH! That’s right! UH! [Flexes. Amanda stares.]
Director: I need more from you Wizard! Give me something! JOY! ANGER! DEPRESSION! Perfect! Hold that!
[Al finds out wizard.]
Amanda: Oh no, they found me. Saaadface.
DP: I knew it! I hella called that.
Cody: OMG. Does that mean we get all our – things?
Amanda: Yes. Scarecrow, here is your brain. Tin man, here is your heart. Lion, here is your courage!
Connor: [From offstage] Yay!
Amanda: And for you Dorothy, a way home. Click your shoes together three times and you will be home.
DP: These shoes are from an authentic Rastafarian merchant from Cuba. I’m not gonna bang them together.
Connor: [Walks on stage right with a map] Where’s Rastafaria? I can’t find it.
Emm: Where’d you get a map?
Connor: What’s a map? [Connor exits stage left]
Kathy: So what’s the next scene?
Director: GIVE ME A MINUTE. I’M WORKING! I need silence.
[Very long awkward pause in awkward positions]
Emm: Moving on. Here is your second scene. [Yells out roles]
Kathy: [Witch laughter] I am the witch!
Cody: OMG. It’s like the Wicked Betch of the West guys.
Alex: I got this. [Throws his ax]
Kathy: REFEREE…oh wait my bad. Never mind.
Amanda: [Begging] Uh, we need your broom. Please.
Connor: What’s my line?
Director: You’re a scarecrow. Make it up.
Connor: ‘You’re a scarecrow. Make it up.’
Director: What an idiot…I like him. Now Dorothy, kill the witch using the bucket of water.
Amanda: [Picks up bucket and stares at it. Throws it then fails.]
Director: No, you must have feeling. [kils wicked bitch w/ style]
Amanda: [fails again]
Kathy: I’m melting! I’m melting!
Cody: ICK! That’s hella nasty [RUNS AWAY]
Connor: [follow another dust bunny off stage]
Director: ENTER FLYING MONKEY!!
[AL GOES APESHIT. EVERYONE RUNS AWAY]
Director: [as he exits] BRILLIANT!
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